Elderly Woman Fools Burglar

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

old lady brandishes a weapon

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin….).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.

The elderly woman calmly called the police and explained what she had accomplished.

As the officer cuffed the burglar to take him to the police station, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “She had an axe and two 38′s!”

Moral of the story: beware of an elderly woman with an axe to grind.

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FBI, CIA, LAPD and the Rabbit

One day the President saw the national crime figures and decided something had to be done.

rabbit test to fight crimeHe called in the FBI, the CIA and the LAPD and subjected them to a test to see which one would be most effective in fighting crime.

Their mission was that a rabbit would be released into a forest and they had to find it.

Well, the CIA started a covert operation and after two months they reported back: “There was definitely no rabbit and there was no evidence to support there had ever been a rabbit.”

The FBI immediately surrounded the forest and tried to persuade the rabbit to surrender. After two weeks of negotiating they set the forest on fire, and it burned to the ground killing everything living in it. The FBI said, “The rabbit had it coming.”

Several police officers of the Los Angeles Police Department went into the forest and after two hours they came back with a raccoon all black and blue and screaming, “I confess! I confess! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

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Glasses of Beer For A Farm Lass

A farm girl walks into a bar and orders three glasses of beer.

one of 3 glasses of beerShe sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes her glasses of beer, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the girl, “You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

She replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Toledo, the other in Austin. When we all left home we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The farm girl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. She places her usual orders of beer and drinks each one of them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two glasses of beer. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The farm girl looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains. “It’s just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my sisters though.”

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