BEST BUMPER STICKERS

Sometimes it really is that simple: key realisations about life, the universe and everything can be summarised in a poignant bumper sticker.

On career and success:

• Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
• I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
• Excess is never too much in moderation.
• Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
• To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
• I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
• Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

On Politics:

• Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
• If you can read this, you're not the president.
• The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
• Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
• Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!
• In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

On Religion:

• If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
• Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
• Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
• The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
• Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
• I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
• Thank God I'm an atheist.
• The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

On Science:

• The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
• If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
• Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
• Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
• Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
• Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
• Never believe generalisations.
• There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and  those who don't.

On People:

• So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
• My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
• Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
• Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't   drink with people who shouldn't sing.
• Dyslexics are teople poo.
• People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
• God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

On Philosophy:

• I don't think, therefore I am not.
• Don't believe everything you think.
• What would Gandalf do?
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I fish, therefore I lie.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On Life:

• Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
• Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
• Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
• Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
• Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
• Visualize Whirled Peas
• Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
• Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
• Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
• First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
• I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
• Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
• If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
• Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

On Computers:

• An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
• Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
• The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
• Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
• The control key on the keyboard does not work.
• There's no place like 127.0.0.1
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

On Driving:

• Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
• If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
• If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
• Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
• Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
• Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
• (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Honk If you want to see my finger.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Driver carries no cash. He's married.
• Watch out for the idiot behind me.
• Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

On the Environment:

• So many cats, so few recipes.
• Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
• I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

On Health & Fitness:

• I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• I'm a vegetarian - I eat anything that eats greens.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
• I have the body of a god. Buddha.
• Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
• Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.