Investment Terms Made Simple

• EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
• EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
• CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
• CFO: corporate fraud officer.
• NAV: normal Andersen valuation.
• FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
• P/E: parole entitlement.
• EPS: eventual prison sentence.
• BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
• VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER: What my broker has made me.
• "BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
• STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
• MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God