Ten Things You'll Never Hear

One woman say to another woman

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned ditch-digger with a heart of gold any day! (Actually, this one's closer to the truth than most...)
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized - my butt doesn't look fat in this - my butt is fat!

One man say to another man

1. Does my butt look fat in this?
2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?
3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
4. Censored by Jim N.
5. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
6. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.
7. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!
8. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.
9. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.
10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all, that's the important thing.